Confession: Life Has Been Generous, Too Generous

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Recently, I have been meeting a lot of friends and hearing their life stories. All of them have so much of inspiration and struggle in their life. There were challenges and all of that but my life has been quite easy.

My life isn’t full of challenges or struggles as such.

While so many of my friends were really struggling hard in their college days or post college days, I was enjoying life; drinking alcohol, hunting for women, traveling and mostly working day-and-night in various animation studios in Mumbai.

Life in an animation studio is not really tough. It’s like a golden cage.

There are dim golden lights and colorful toys all around. There is no organizational politics or cut-throat competition as such.

Moreover, I was enjoying the film projects, my large team, inter-country interaction, popularity, super-computer, no-dress code, long hours of work, all types of loans on my head six figure salary with unlimited perks and all the fun in and around the creative life.

I heard some stories of friends who became parents some years post college and were having such a challenging time building home and managing parenthood, while I was doing nothing much other than just chilling out with my film projects.

All I did was enjoy in college life, and did the same in professional life. I always was able to do as per my command; including my 4-year long sabbatical. I don’t know how many get this opportunity in life but I was the lucky or chosen one.

Life is fun and I am trying to keep it that way.

Today also, my friends see victory over so many of their challenges and struggles; they have big homes, fast cars, huge bank balance, extra property, children, foreign travels and I am doing nothing much other than just chilling out with my small home, no loan, no car, no children, no extra property, no foreign travels.

I still don’t have an inspiring story.

In all, life has been really easy for me as I never had serious struggle or challenges in life or maybe it’s the way I look at it.

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Confession: I Found My Forgiveness After 25 Years Of Disrespecting Her

As far as I remember, Almas is the only girl—after Tina and Leonie—I have troubled the most in school.

I was notorious and we used to sit together in standard seven; around 1991. I don’t know have happened and one day, I poked a sharp-pointed something in her arm. She cried and cried but I was indifferent. The teacher gave me punishment along with a direction to bring lots of chocolates for her next day.

Although, I bought her chocolates the next day, the evil act didn’t t bother me for more than two decades until I went on an inner-journey in 2013.

I was on an introspection therapy and suddenly all my actions came in front of me like computer files. This one also came right in front of me; and I thought that I had forgotten the incident.

I cried a lot that night.

I wanted a remedy to get out of this pain I was feeling and my spiritual master directed me to go for a forgiveness therapy. I desperately wanted to ask for forgiveness but I had no clue about her whereabouts and I wasn’t active on social media then.

Lately, I became active in social media and put all my energy—and prayers—to find her. The universe responded to my calling and I found her on Facebook.

With a lot of courage, I sent her a friend request. She accepted my request and I immediately asked for forgiveness for what I did to her in school. She was generous and forgave me.

Neither she, nor me had forgotten the heinous moment.

Today, we have become good friends. I went to visit her the other day. She welcomed me with a warm hug. She’s a religious woman now and has no space for false ego.

Her eyes had joy in them.

We spoke for hours together with her daughter. She almost cried while talking about the past glory. That is the time I realized the trauma she must have faced.

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She still has the same calm, innocence, loving-kindness and is a radiant persona as she was in school and I am the same mad man. But times have changed—there’s love all around.

I have a strong sense of gratitude to these people because it’s radical in these days of madness, stress and hypocrisy. This new friend is my teacher and I still feel so bad about hurting her—in some way or other.

 

Confession: Lessons From Lust

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This image from Google search inspired me to write this blog post. It’s really strange—and beautiful—how certain images trigger different emotions is us.

I had been a lustful man all my life. The only aim was to have a sexual intercourse with all the women I met; mostly on the first date.

And guess what? I was even getting good at it.

It was not that bad but many times it brought my inner-self in guilt and embarrassment; but only when I started to introspect. When I was in the mode of ignorance, I was in bliss. But there are lessons to be learnt.

Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God.

The above quote is an old saying. Although, I didn’t see God as such, but my being pure to some, I really felt really good—till date I feel the goodness. And for me this goodness is God. Having said this, I am experiencing a complete rewind in my life-journey. I am going back to my school-college life where these three girls were the only one that I never looked upon with my lusty eyes; or let’s say that these three girls kept me pure all my life.

Till date.

  1. I clearly remember, it was 1988. Hindi film Tezaab was released in theaters across India and the bud of fondness was released in my heart. She was in same school but another class. I adored her; a lot.
  2. In 1994, there was another who I adored. She was a different human altogether but I guess we are different. She was quiet and I was a violent wind of words. That cuteness must have really killed many in school.
  3. After school, I entered college in 1995 and met her. In fact, she was the fist female friend ever. I remember talking to her on phone for hours. She was so dynamic and yet so simple at heart.

I don’t know but I never had any lustful feeling about them. I respected them for what they are and not what I wanted them to be. They till are in touch and we are good friends now but the purity in my heart will always remain.

I also remember another incident from college days. There was a student whom I used to teach Economics. I was good at studies and used to take tuition for pocket money. She secured good marks in the subject and offered me a gift. She was one bad-ass girl all the boys wanted to be with. I politely rejected any gift other than a fee. She insisted that I can ask anything, even her body as a gift. I just asked her to smile and be a good person in life.

She was furious, really but I am happy for what I did.

I really feel that it’s not about lust all the time. In fact, it’s not about lust most of the time but another emotions that keeps us running. And emotional diversity in anyway good for health.

Like in the case of these three women, there was no love as such, but there was a pure fondness; a selfless one-way one. But, all said and done, I really feel great when I think about these three women who gave me a different dimension altogether. It’s because of them I am a useful, sober, balanced and mindful human being.

Although, it was sometime about lust or sometime it wasn’t, lust was a great teacher to me. It has brought out the best and worst in me from time-to-time.

 

Confession: My Parents’ Death Was My Best Teacher

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My parents died, expired or as I say left their physical bodies in 2015. The last two months that I spent in the hospital were the best lessons for me. I had a sense that they’re dying but little I knew that their last days would teach me some of the best lessons in life.

I had more than 1,500 so-called friends on Facebook but to my shock, there was not one in the hospital to hold my hand or lend a shoulder or even to listen what I had to say. I don’t blame anyone. Maybe, their priority was different, maybe they’re busy, maybe this or maybe that. No idea, but on a deep introspection, later, I realized that even I never went to support anyone in such situation.

As you sow, so shall you reap.

Two neighbors, from my housing society, who I had known for just a little while offered monetary and emotional support, one comparatively new friend called me every alternate day from USA to check on me, while old friends never called up. I used to sit in the waiting area day and night and post my thoughts on social media. Some would send positive wishes for betterment, some would send warm thoughts, some would just like the post but I was still and prayed that the best should happen to them—I read in ancient scriptures that death is not bad, it’s just a transformation tool.

All the relatives except my wife and brother had disappeared, and the best part is that they appeared immediately as both died. Really, I mean like it was a button that you ON or OFF—you press ON, they disappear, you press OFF, they appear. Doctor were doing their duty of being a stone and the hospital was doing it’s duty of being a money collection unit. No one really cared.

Every day, I would meet patients and their families who were in distress; mainly due to financial weakness. Sadness and grief was in every nook and corner of the hospital, so I used to anonymously keep smile cards on the seats of the family members. A moment of smile on their face would do the magic and I would feel at peace.

After all our endeavors, they died but luckily, they didn’t suffer a long period of illness. They must have done some good deeds that they received a good death; almost. The best, and funny part, was that as soon as they died, they lost their names; they were coined as bodies—a minute ago they had names.

I knew that they had some broken relation with other relatives and I made it a point to visit them and ask for forgiveness for any of their wrong action—this brought me immense maturity and compassion. Luckily, everyone accepted my forgiveness and forgave them.

As a human being puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones. Bhagavad Gita 2:23

As the soul changes body, the thoughts also change time-to-time and as they dissolved into darkness, I evolved to light. They tuned to dust and grew into a flower. But the last lesson was the eye-opener. As I was putting the ashes of my mother into the river, I realized that we’re nothing; with all our ego, desire, hatred, love, wealth, anger and millions of other emotions, we’re nothing more than one handful of dust.